Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Fluff me with a fork baby
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
*jazz hands*
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.