robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
You Might Also Like
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Siri: Retweet me.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Worth the read.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.