What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
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Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.