Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.