I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
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The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Monday
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it