Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
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If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
saving face 👀
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
u spoke cat all this time??????
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM