DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
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BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
fr
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.