[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
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Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.