I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
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[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.