I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
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[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.