I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
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*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano