North and South
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Warm pools make me nervous.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats