Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’