When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
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temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
best first i’ve ever seen