me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
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The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.