I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
You Might Also Like
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Black Friday “markdowns” like
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?