My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
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It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.