Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
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We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
This woman is my idol. Free her.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.