4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
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My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Care for your back
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty