Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
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me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
mechanics be like
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch