911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
You Might Also Like
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
welcome back
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.