accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
We decided to have money instead of children.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.