My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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What the dentist sees
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Denise please return my vape pen
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.