Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
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It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.