I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
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Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm