Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
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[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.