HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
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I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
i- i did not expect this
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.