Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
You Might Also Like
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Who chose this font
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.