Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
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Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere