*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.