Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
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ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Did my cat write this
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?