Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
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him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn鈥檛
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 馃槶
Me: 馃槓鈽癸笍
Me: I thought I was your best friend 馃槶
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
It鈥檚 not you, it鈥檚 me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That鈥檚 my Doctor.
My 5yo doesn鈥檛 always play his harmonica, but when he does, it鈥檚 at 6:33 in the morning.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
馃捇馃ぁ