Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
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When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.