*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
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Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My blood type is b hungry.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with