Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.