Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
You Might Also Like
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
peak technology
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription