Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
You Might Also Like
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I can’t deal with men any longer
cry laughing at this shit
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[eulogy]
line?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic