A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
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My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
🦝🔥🦝🔥
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
is this store having a stroke wtf
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years