I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
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Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
guilty
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.