Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
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Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Banana is the quietest snack
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material