*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
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[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Venn
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
yea so i messed up lol
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency