My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
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May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Oh hi lol
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*