Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
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ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.