The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Put this video in the Louvre
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Breaking news:
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Tuesday
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus