I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
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lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
This kid is a star!
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”