Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me recordaron éste meme
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.