I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Finally, a door that understands me
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??