My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
You Might Also Like
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
girls literally only want one thing..
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.