Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
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I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.