What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
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My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.